From dictation.io "Grandmothers eye"

I remember when we moved to Shrub Oak not too long after my grandmother died I was hanging out with some neighborhood girls they were telling scary stories; one story really affected me it was about this girl and how her grandmother's I was Haunting her it really scared me no wonder she had way too much influence on everyone's life no wonder my dad moved away and never wrote are called etcetera. 

My mom, on the other hand, idolized my paternal grandmother and try to emulate her and her hyper-genteel standards. No wonder I preferred overalls to fussy, ruffly Petticoat dresses, white gloves and patent leather Mary Janes. No wonder I stone wash my jeans, and scuffed up my sneakers. I preferred to shop at thrift shops and eventually moved into a ramshackle old house and surround myself with wild Ruckus boys genteel b******* was deadly. 

On the good side, I did get an appreciation for beauty and for craftsmanship in everyday matters like creation and clothing Etc It's a fine line.

Life feels like delicate brain surgery to me right now. I'm discerning the minute distinctions within each area of life; separate the wheat from the chaff or the lentils from the sand; as it were.

 I guess I must have known I was onto something when my parents were so against my doing artwork. My inner being went AHA! At last! Something that is truly my own!

It's amazing how disrespectful my mom is toward me I could just hear her reply should I ever voice that thought in her ears shut why should I respect you said in the sneering condescending tone remember she had had his attitude toward me long as I do whatever she wants and don't disagree with her everything is fine but if I should voice opinion or do something she doesn't approve of then it's "How dare you,  ungrateful child!! After everything I ever did for you!! You're always or like that!"

 I know she was totally controlled by those nuns in the orphanage. I'm sure they made her feel small and bad and helpless. I guess the only thing to do in such a no-win situation is to eventually comply and to identify with the oppressor, which is what she did.

I used to love it when I was a kid and she used to tell me stories of how she would disobey and disregard and outsmart those old ones I thought she was a hero I used to want to grow up and be her mommy so that she would have a happy childhood. Right now I'm not ready and neither is she. It would be nice though!

 I guess I was thinking of The Celestine Prophecy. I'm an aloof and so is Wallace we raised ourselves above the unpleasantness away from the maddening crowd 

"Volare" 

Let us sing in the glow of a star that I know of where lovers enjoy peace of mind!

Let us leave this confusion and all this illusion behind

 Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find!